One Nation, Under a Groove

More discussion about a new national anthem

Yesterday’s post regarding replacing the national anthem sparked some discussion—partly in the comments, but more often by email. All productive! (And to think I was worried that some enterprising Fox News producer would see the post and lead an unwoke mob against me.) And I’m persuaded that we need more than three candidates for the new national anthem.

Here’s the three top nominees from my correspondents. Happy Independence Day weekend. We’ll be back to the crises next week.

“Pink Houses”

Well, there's people and more people
What do they know, know, know?
Go to work in some high rise
And vacation down at the Gulf of Mexico, ooh, yeah
And there's winners and there's losers
But they ain't no big deal
'Cause the simple man, baby, pays for the thrills, the bills
The pills that kill

Ah, but ain't that America for you and me?
Ain't that America? Somethin' to see, baby
Ain't that America? Home of the free, yeah
Little pink houses for you and me, ooh
Ooh yeah

This is a great suggestion. You can absolutely hear a ballpark singing the chorus together. The melody is catchy! It’s by a true son of the heartland! The problem with it is that, of course, it has “Born in the USA” syndrome — it sounds patriotic but it is literally an anti-American song. That’s not hyperbole: that’s exactly what son of the heartland John Mellencamp himself said.

Perhaps because of three-dimensional cynicism among the consultant class, perhaps because of some sort of actual inability to comprehend media, the song is already used as a patriotic anthem at right-wing candidates’ rallies.

“America” (West Side Story)

I like to be in America
Okay, buy me in America
Everything free in America
For a small fee in America

Buying on credit is so nice
One look at us and they charge twice
I have my own washing machine
What do you have don't you keep clean?

Skyscrapers bloom in America
Cadillacs zoom in America
Industry boom in America

12 in a room in America
Lots of new housing with more space
(Lots of doors slamming in our face)
I'll get a terrace apartment
Better you get rid of your accent

I said before, or meant to, that one of my criteria for a new national anthem is that it has to be about the country as it is right now(ish)—and that includes embracing some cringey patriotism and some things that involve some criticism. And boy does Sondheim deliver. Maybe a little too well for the stadium experiment—and some verses might be a bit too pointed for at least one particular part of the United States—but let’s throw it in the mix.

“One Nation Under a Groove”

Here's a chance to dance our way
Out of our constrictions
Gonna be freakin'
Up and down
Hang-up alley way
With the groove our only guide
We shall all be moved
Ready or not here we come
Gettin' down on

The one which we believe in (one nation under a groove)
Gonna get in on my good foot, good God (gettin' down just for the funk)
'Bout time I got down one time (one nation and we're on the move)
(Nothin' can stop us now) ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay-ee!

Parliament/Funkadelic is one of the great American musical acts, and even if its attitude toward the United States was, ah, informed by a certain (understandable!) perspective, they nevertheless wrote a phenomenal anthem for a nation.

It checks all the boxes. You can sing it. You can dance to it. It is aspirational (have we really freed ourselves of Sir Nose D’Voidoffunk?). It would make Samuel Alito flip out every time he heard it.

The only question is whether the United States is worthy of the song.